Awkward Turtle.

Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly for those of you who know me in real life!) some of my best writing is born out of awkward moments.

Now that I think about it, some of my best teaching has a thread of awkwardness in it as well.

Hum.

So I think it would be safe to say that I am an awkward turtle. That awkward could be my middle name. That sometimes I’m like a platypus in a cheetah’s world.

<Did that last one even make sense? Not so sure, but let’s go with it.>

In the days since I took a hiatus from blogging, I’ve had plenty of *awkward* moments to contend with. Not promising that I remember even a quarter of those moments, or that it will translate into even halfway good writing, but let’s give it a go. <Also, I can’t share all of the stories in this forum because some of them involve relatives/friends – aka: readers – who might not have realized their role in the awkardness. Hey, it happens to the best of us.>

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Garage Sale Expiration Dates

It just so happened that my homegroup from church hosted our 2nd annual “Missions Garage Sale” at the same time I was doing my bi-yearly kitchen clean-out. <Meaning I try to force us to eat all the random stuff in our pantry that we’ve been putting off eating. Gah, first world problems, huh?!> There ended up being a random assortment of items that had slipped through the cracks on other kitchen clean-outs, so I decided it was time to throw in the towel. I didn’t want to just throw the food out, so I decided it would be a good idea to take everything up to the garage sale to see if anyone (friend or customer) would like to lay claim.

A few of the items did actually get picked up, but during a lull in the activity we got to looking at what I had brought….and how old it was. As it turned out, some of the food had expired over 2 YEARS ago. One item was considerably older than that. <As in, I had probably brought it with me when Chris and I moved into our house almost 3 years ago.>

Just imagine what your defense would be if you had tried to saddle your friends with seriously expired food.

Trust me. There isn’t one.

Awkward!

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Poor Excuse for an Ag Teacher’s Daughter

This one I’m actually slightly embarrassed to publish. My Dad would definitely tell me not to put it in writing. But it’s awkward and that’s the point of what we’re doing here today so I’m going to plow ahead anyway.

Good line of reasoning, right? 😉

At dinner with my family one night, cows came up in our discussion. Mind you, both my Dad and my brother are Ag teachers…and I took 4 years of Ag classes in high school. I participated in stock shows…I was even queen of our county show one year, for goodness sake!

All of that should explain why it became *super*awkward* at the table that night when I asked dad if all cows that get milked are female.

First came the awkward silence. The the shocked disbelief. Then the looks of shame and disgust.

If you aren’t a country person then I won’t hold you accountable for understanding why that was so, so wrong to ask. But if you are…then please quit shaking your head at me! It was a moment of random confusion! It was my Jessica Simpson “Tuna is Chicken of the Sea” moment…everyone should be allotted one of those moments…right?!

Ugh.

So sad. And so awkward. <Made even more awkward by the conversation that followed, which included Chris saying “I have nipples Heather….could you milk me? AGH!>

I’m sorry Dad.

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Of course, there were other awkward moments…

*Like when I jokingly told my doctor (after answering a series of questions on depression only 10 minutes earlier) that I quote “wanted to kill myself.” <For the record, I don’t. I’m not even sure why those words came out of my mouth. But trust me when I say…awkward!>

*Like when I put on an old bikini to go swim in our little kiddie pool and Chris kept commenting on “how uncomfortable” it looked. Aka – how awkwardly tight it has become. *Sigh* At least he was trying to be sweet about it.

*Like when my bikini bottom (different swim suit!) came down, over, and almost off several different times during a trip to Schlitterbahn. Somehow the “over” experience was the most awkward…for everyone involved. Yikes!

*Or like on our walks when Huxley decides to lay down in the middle of the road to scratch his back. Or better yet, to take a nap or catch his breath or give up on life or whatever it is he’s doing when he just lays down and refuses to get up. I’m sure I look like a crazy lady to all of our neighbors…

And, since I have a couple of other, juicier, stories that I can’t share because of who it would incriminate….I’ll leave you with a few of our favorite awkward pictures from 2 years of posts.

In no particular order…

One of the pages from the “First Anniversary Book” I made for Chris. Too much information perhaps…or is it the picture that is most awkward?

What my hair looks like in the morning. Just in case you wanted to know. Or buy me a brush.

Riding the Segways was fun, but we looked like huge dorks & it was definitely awkward when mine tried to buck me off. Right in front of a busy intersection. As kids threw waterballoons at us. (Okay so that last part happened a little later in the ride. But seriously?!)

Who is this person? Why are they sitting next to a giant purple gorilla? It’s awkward that I even took this picture…

Huxley’s face says it all…

Our family costume for the costume contest at the pet store. Not awkward enough for you? Did I mention that no other humans dressed up?

Yeah. Thought that might do it for ya.

And finally (just to prove that I am a country girl at heart) I can assure you that there isn’t much in this world more awkward than…

Showing a turkey. 

There, now don’t you feel better about yourself already?!

KEEP CALM & AWKWARD TURTLE!

 

Word Association

Let’s play a game.

What do a hole, a Fuzzy’s taco cup, and a chemical burn have in common?

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Me, Myself, and My Awkwardness. That’s what they have in common.

Let me explain…

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#1 – The hole

Last week, I geared up for one of my semi-regular evening runs. It was already getting to dark for me to be out really, but by golly…I was going to run! I decided to take a lap around a field near the house, I may not have been paying the most attention…and the next thing I know, I’m twisting my ankle in a hole. I hear a pop, I feel the pain…and I fall to the ground.

Awkward.

I quickly called my Knight in Shining Armor, who drove up to rescue me, carried me into the house, and gave me an ice-pack and meds. He was perfect…even though I just felt silly for having stepped in that stupid hole.

The next morning my ankle was a little sore (especially as I chased Huxley across the neighbors yard at 5:30 in the morning wearing my pajamas and no shoes…but that’s another story) but it worked itself out and I was fine. Just a little bit of a bruised ego I guess.

#2 – A Fuzzy’s Taco Cup

Remember when I said that this past Friday night I went to “The Promise” with the husby and another couple friend of ours? Well, what I failed to mention is that the road leading to Glen Rose is a very windy one…and that, on rare occasions, I get horribly car sick.

This turned out to be one of those times.

I managed to keep it all together (or perhaps in is a better choice of words) on the way there, but it really became a battle for me on the way back. I was deep breathin’ and prayin’ and trying to be good company, but Lord have mercy was I feeling sick.

When we pulled up to their house, I sat still for a few minutes and thought…”Yeah, I’m okay. I’ll be alright.”

And then I got out of the car and realized, “Oh no no no…I am definitely NOT going to be okay.”

So, I walked as far away from the husby and friends as I could, and then I threw up in their yard. Like eight times.

Awkward.

Afterwards my sweet friend brought me a wet paper towel and ice water in a Fuzzy’s taco cup.

And she let me keep the cup. *wink*

#3 – A Chemical Burn

On Sunday morning, the time had come once again to take of the old mustacharoo. I slathered on some of that burn off creme…like nair, but for your face, and waited 5 minutes or so. When I went to rub it off, it didn’t remove all of those pesky mustache hairs.

So, I got a little angry….and rubbed that creme in using a scratchy rag.

Wrong, wrong move.

As soon as I rinsed it off, it started burning. When I took the dog for a walk, it continued burning. When I looked at in the mirror a few minutes later, it was a red, swollen, burning mess. Right above my lip.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call a chemical burn.

Awkward.

At this moment, it’s looking more like a weird scab or something, and the skin around it is really dry. From a distance I almost look like I have a big smudge of dirt above my lip or something, but up close you can definitely see that something is up. Luckily for me everyone is being sweet and not asking.

*Sigh*

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All I’ve gotta say is…I’m so thankful that Jesus and my husband still love me…and aren’t you glad you aren’t me?! 😛

KEEP CALM & AVOID CHEMICAL BURNS