Awkward Turtle.

Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly for those of you who know me in real life!) some of my best writing is born out of awkward moments.

Now that I think about it, some of my best teaching has a thread of awkwardness in it as well.

Hum.

So I think it would be safe to say that I am an awkward turtle. That awkward could be my middle name. That sometimes I’m like a platypus in a cheetah’s world.

<Did that last one even make sense? Not so sure, but let’s go with it.>

In the days since I took a hiatus from blogging, I’ve had plenty of *awkward* moments to contend with. Not promising that I remember even a quarter of those moments, or that it will translate into even halfway good writing, but let’s give it a go. <Also, I can’t share all of the stories in this forum because some of them involve relatives/friends – aka: readers – who might not have realized their role in the awkardness. Hey, it happens to the best of us.>

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Garage Sale Expiration Dates

It just so happened that my homegroup from church hosted our 2nd annual “Missions Garage Sale” at the same time I was doing my bi-yearly kitchen clean-out. <Meaning I try to force us to eat all the random stuff in our pantry that we’ve been putting off eating. Gah, first world problems, huh?!> There ended up being a random assortment of items that had slipped through the cracks on other kitchen clean-outs, so I decided it was time to throw in the towel. I didn’t want to just throw the food out, so I decided it would be a good idea to take everything up to the garage sale to see if anyone (friend or customer) would like to lay claim.

A few of the items did actually get picked up, but during a lull in the activity we got to looking at what I had brought….and how old it was. As it turned out, some of the food had expired over 2 YEARS ago. One item was considerably older than that. <As in, I had probably brought it with me when Chris and I moved into our house almost 3 years ago.>

Just imagine what your defense would be if you had tried to saddle your friends with seriously expired food.

Trust me. There isn’t one.

Awkward!

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Poor Excuse for an Ag Teacher’s Daughter

This one I’m actually slightly embarrassed to publish. My Dad would definitely tell me not to put it in writing. But it’s awkward and that’s the point of what we’re doing here today so I’m going to plow ahead anyway.

Good line of reasoning, right? 😉

At dinner with my family one night, cows came up in our discussion. Mind you, both my Dad and my brother are Ag teachers…and I took 4 years of Ag classes in high school. I participated in stock shows…I was even queen of our county show one year, for goodness sake!

All of that should explain why it became *super*awkward* at the table that night when I asked dad if all cows that get milked are female.

First came the awkward silence. The the shocked disbelief. Then the looks of shame and disgust.

If you aren’t a country person then I won’t hold you accountable for understanding why that was so, so wrong to ask. But if you are…then please quit shaking your head at me! It was a moment of random confusion! It was my Jessica Simpson “Tuna is Chicken of the Sea” moment…everyone should be allotted one of those moments…right?!

Ugh.

So sad. And so awkward. <Made even more awkward by the conversation that followed, which included Chris saying “I have nipples Heather….could you milk me? AGH!>

I’m sorry Dad.

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Of course, there were other awkward moments…

*Like when I jokingly told my doctor (after answering a series of questions on depression only 10 minutes earlier) that I quote “wanted to kill myself.” <For the record, I don’t. I’m not even sure why those words came out of my mouth. But trust me when I say…awkward!>

*Like when I put on an old bikini to go swim in our little kiddie pool and Chris kept commenting on “how uncomfortable” it looked. Aka – how awkwardly tight it has become. *Sigh* At least he was trying to be sweet about it.

*Like when my bikini bottom (different swim suit!) came down, over, and almost off several different times during a trip to Schlitterbahn. Somehow the “over” experience was the most awkward…for everyone involved. Yikes!

*Or like on our walks when Huxley decides to lay down in the middle of the road to scratch his back. Or better yet, to take a nap or catch his breath or give up on life or whatever it is he’s doing when he just lays down and refuses to get up. I’m sure I look like a crazy lady to all of our neighbors…

And, since I have a couple of other, juicier, stories that I can’t share because of who it would incriminate….I’ll leave you with a few of our favorite awkward pictures from 2 years of posts.

In no particular order…

One of the pages from the “First Anniversary Book” I made for Chris. Too much information perhaps…or is it the picture that is most awkward?

book 5

What my hair looks like in the morning. Just in case you wanted to know. Or buy me a brush.

bad hair day

Riding the Segways was fun, but we looked like huge dorks & it was definitely awkward when mine tried to buck me off. Right in front of a busy intersection. As kids threw waterballoons at us. (Okay so that last part happened a little later in the ride. But seriously?!)

segway 1

Who is this person? Why are they sitting next to a giant purple gorilla? It’s awkward that I even took this picture…

004

Huxley’s face says it all…

012

Our family costume for the costume contest at the pet store. Not awkward enough for you? Did I mention that no other humans dressed up?

Yeah. Thought that might do it for ya.

002

And finally (just to prove that I am a country girl at heart) I can assure you that there isn’t much in this world more awkward than…

Showing a turkey. 23

There, now don’t you feel better about yourself already?!

KEEP CALM & AWKWARD TURTLE!

 

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Categories: Daily Drama | Tags: | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Awkward Turtle.

  1. Alexis

    Hahahaha! You’re so awesome for sharing all of your awkward moments!

  2. Funny! Glad you’ve found some blogging time! Love it!

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