The Blind Date from H-E-double hockeysticks…

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As promised, today is the day I dedicate my entire post to the one & only blind date I ever went on…it is a story that is just screaming to be told, and since Lifetime hasn’t decided to pick it up as a made-for-tv movie yet, I figure this is the place to share it.

I promise you that I am presenting the facts with as little exaggeration as I can. It has been 4 years since this blind-date-meltdown, so in all reality I’ll probably leave out a few details as opposed to adding more. And honestly, it’s the kind of outrageous story that I just couldn’t have made up.

Okay. Here we go.

I spent most of my college career dating a guy from the church I was attending. We were part of building a college-ministry program during that time, so we met a lot of fellow students through those times of fellowship. One of the guys who came out to the church for a while was older than most of us, as he’d done the military thing first, then college. He was big & beefy, macho & pretty into himself, and on the fraternity board…big man on campus type.

Boyfriend and I broke up at the beginning of my senior year of college. (This is where boyfriend completely exits the story, so don’t confuse the pronouns. From here on out “he” is referring to the mach0-man.)

I end up graduating at the same time as the macho-man. He was recognized at our graduation ceremony for his military service and was actually  sworn in as some type of an officer during the ceremony.

A few days later I write on his Facebook wall congratulating him on graduation & his military achievements…basically the whole “It was great to kind of know you, have a great life” kind of comment.

He writes back saying that we should “totally get together” for dinner before we both leave the ‘ville.

I honestly thought it was kind of awkward, and I think it took a couple of girlfriends to talk me into agreeing. I assumed we would meet somewhere local, pay separately, chat for a while then part ways.

It was only AFTER I agreed to dinner that I realized he had other intentions.

He insisted on picking me up and refused to tell me where we were going. He started talking about how much he “admired” me and that he was “excited” to hear that I was single.

Oh goodness.

The night of what has OBVIOUSLY become a date rolls around, and I was nervous…mostly because I knew that I really wasn’t into this guy in that way. I spent forever trying to find the perfect outfit, one where I would look nice, but not overly cute. And DEFINITELY not sexy. Oh no no no.

Time to pick me up rolls around and he’s not there. And he’s not there. And he’s not there. I think he was like 30 minutes late or something.

Once he finally gets there and I get in his big ol’ truck, he explains that he was late because he was out on his bike and he had to pull over for a while because it started raining. So in my nervous habit of needing to fill the empty space, I start talking about how nervous bikes make me, how I’ve only ridden one once and even then I wouldn’t let the driver go over 50 mph. I mean, I made a really, really big deal about not liking bikes…meaning motorcycles of course.

But yeah. That’s not what he was talking about. He had actually been riding a bicycle. My bad.

And it made for a totally awkward moment.

Then the conversation turns to where we are going for dinner..which is a little steakhouse in a town over 30 minutes away. Great.

I don’t remember much about the ride up there…it’s mostly a blur of him shouting out movie quotes (like “NA-CH-OOOOOO LIBRE!) and referencing songs from the 80’s. Even with my repeated reminders that I spent the 80’s in my mother’s womb and diapers, he continued to ask me to sing along to this song or that song. Lovely.

When we get to the steakhouse, they sit us right up in the middle of everybody. He starts in with tales of his military travels, highlighting the many women & beers he had sampled. Ew. Then he drops the bomb.

He’s almost 30. He’s a college graduate. He’s looking for a wife.

And he thinks I’ve got wife potential.

Now I don’t know what you would do if a mere acquaintance declared that you fit his wife-criteria and he intended to woo you. (And let me just say that he begain the woo-ing process by trying to feed me off of his fork. Wow.) BUT, I do know what I would do…because it’s what I did here.

I made it my mission to make myself as undesirable to him as humanly possible.

He talked about how he loved to exercise, I talked about how I hated it and would rather be fat & happy. He talked about how he liked to eat healthy, I said if it didn’t have “carbs, fat, or sugar” I didn’t want to eat it. He said he liked to travel, I said I prefer to stay home.

Needless to say, what I was saying to him wasn’t sinking in…I had to continue this tactic on the way home.

He asked if we could go do something after dinner, I responded by saying that I had a strict-bedtime routine of 9 o’clock. He asked if he could have my cell phone number, I told him I didn’t believe that people should talk on the phone a lot or be available to others at all hours of the day. (This is no exaggeration people. I was a desperate woman.)

As we start to get closer to the ‘ville, a horrible realization dawns on me. This guy just IS NOT getting it. He thinks we are on a date. He is macho. He most likely will try to kiss me when he drops me off.

Oh. Dear. Lawd.

So I start praying for a way out. I do not want that dude’s lips on me.

When we get to my apartment he’s still talking about us getting together again, saying how he’s sad I have such an early bedtime, etc. etc. As he parks he apologizes and says that his legs are still so sore from his bike ride, and do I mind if he doesn’t walk me up to my apartment.

Do I mind?! Um…let me think about it…NO!

Just when I think I’m in the clear, I look over to see him leaning over the armrest for the kill. I can still see it like it’s in slow motion…his lips puckered and eyes closing.

I was left with no other option than to deflect his kiss.

This is a little tricky to explain, so try to hang with me here. He’s in the driver seat, I’m in the passenger. He’s leaning over one of those half-seat fold-down armrests. I sort of do a half-hug, only my arm goes in front of him (instead of behind) and wraps up to pat him on the head. I simultaneously turn my head so that his lips have no where to go but into my hair on the side of my head.

As he pulls away with a confused look on his face I seize the opportunity and jump out of the car, mumbling a thank you. I went up to my apartment and sat on the couch in silence for a solid 30 minutes trying to absorb what had just happened to me. Then I couldn’t help but call my friends and tell them every crazy detail. 😛

And that was that. He tried to contact me once more on Facebook, but I guess he’d moved on to another potential wife prospect, because he didn’t push it further.

Another answered prayer.

Is that not just too wild though?! I get a little shiver just thinking of it…so glad I’m out of the dating scene now!!!

KEEP CALM & BE CAREFUL OF BLIND DATES WITH MACHO MEN!

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Categories: Daily Drama | Tags: , , | 5 Comments

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5 thoughts on “The Blind Date from H-E-double hockeysticks…

  1. this made me laugh, out loud, several times! i LOVE this! i, too, have tried to ‘make myself undesirable’ on dates before, and let me say, i was a pro!

    thanks for a great morning laugh! too funny!

  2. Re'Genna Gamblin

    I laughed out loud…yet again!!! Technically…not a blind date…but close enough and probably worst than most.

  3. We are soooo glad you’re out of the dating scene too! Oh my, what would Chris have done if you had been another man’s wife??? Oh gosh, I shudder to think………… Hugs and praying for a good week for you!

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